George Carlin's New Rules.

[TitanFan59]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006:

01. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

02. Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

03. Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

04. Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

05. If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

06. Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.

07. There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

08. Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

09. The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

10. I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

11. Competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12. I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

14. No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15. No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

16. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[triadpc]

Good stuff, TitanFan59!

From race, to religion, to sexuality, I don't know of many comedians like George Carlin that can manage to piss everyone off. But, you keep coming back for more of his cynical, satirical, and off-collar political material because it's just too funny...or maybe just too true??

[konigfritz]

George is da man! He cracks me up. Anybody remember his rant about things becoming more PC.

1. When do Toilet paper become "bathroom Tissue"

2. When Did Shell shock become "Post traumatic Stress Syndrome"

ETC..

funny stuff

[TitanFan59]

I was laughing pretty hard at the email so figured I would post for everyones enjoyment.

[shawnwat4]

15. No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

I never know what to do with these guys. I never carry cash, so i always feel like if i don't tip them and I come back, they are gonna wipe their nuts with my towel and give it to me

[TitanFan59]

They only do that if you throw the towel at them when finished.

[konigfritz]

We don't have those guys round these parts..

If you see a bathroom attendant around here it is a pretty safe bet that he is a freak!

Thanks for the list titanfan59!!

[P's Titan]

good list post whore

[TitanFan59]

Thanks, fellow whore.

[chunko]

4, 8, 12...all got a laugh out of me.

Nice post.

[TitanFan59]

Yea, 4 is right in tune even moreso now.

[chunko]

Originally Posted by triadpc

Good stuff, TitanFan59!

From race, to religion, to sexuality, I don't know of many comedians like George Carlin that can manage to piss everyone off. But, you keep coming back for more of his cynical, satirical, and off-collar political material because it's just too funny...or maybe just too true??

Check out mind of mencia...Carlos Mencia or is it Mancia..I dunno either way...if you like carlin...you'll like him.

His dvd cracks me up!!!

[TitanFan59]

That dood is a riot.

[rrumaner]

I have been enjoying Carlin since before his seven words you cannot say on tv came out. He has always been so funny that I hurt all over after listening to him.

[chunko]

rrumaner...

Love the sig.