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Discussion Starter #1
Hey everyone, need some help/advice here.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and those have been a very happy 3 years. My family initially was not too happy with our marriage (they're a traditional Filipino family...want the church wedding, meet the family and approve of the union, etc...rather conservative) since we did elope, but gradually not only approved of our marriage, but invited us to live in their home, rent free, while we finished up RN school. My wife was not too thrilled w/ the whole idea, since she wasn't used to them, and was afraid of offending them. But eventually, they started to warm up to her, and they felt comfortable around her. All was good...so I thought

The last few weeks, they've been highly critical of what she wears/how she talks/where she works/where she shops, etc. Come to find out, my cousin just told me all of my relatives on my mother's side have been talking sh*t on my wife, saying she only married me "for the money" or "to get out of poverty" or "b/c he's her ticket to a good life". He then contacted me and told me what happened, but did not say anything b/c he didn't want to get involved. :huh: :huh:
Not only did I find out through my cousin, but my cousin just so happens to work w/ my father-in-law, who then told my mother-in-law, who told my wife, and then I found out. This really sucks, b/c 1)my wife is NOT poor; she comes from a very successful family, who do NOT like to brag about what they have, and 2)they made NO effort to get to know my wife before coming up with pre-judgements. Once mom did find out about her family's success, they started to pester her about "where's your auntie? i want to meet her" in such a way as to say "i don't believe you're successful, prove it".

I want to confront my mother about this, as this was very hurtful to me. Not only did she disrespect my wife, but she also disrespected my union and my love for my wife....i just don't know how. Need help please.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
which is the problem...i tried that already, and she refuses to believe she's at fault. I then proceeded to discuss her sisters (who BLATANTLY stare my wife up and down, and then talk about her...in front of my wife) and she justified it by saying "they just want to know what she's wearing, but it's ok"

I know I should talk to her again...but how do you get someone to listen, when they whole-heartedly believe they're doing nothing wrong?
 

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You should certainly confront your mom about your concerns, it may not all be true. But if it is she has some explaining to do.

Are you living in your Mothers house? If you are you and your wife need to move out ASAP!!
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
tnbowhunter said:
You should certainly confront your mom about your concerns, it may not all be true. But if it is she has some explaining to do.

Are you living in your Mothers house? If you are you and your wife need to move out ASAP!!
No, we already have our own home.

The part that really sucks about this, is this is how my mom is. She has some sort of inferiority complex, and if she finds someone is doing better than her (or her sisters), they all gang up and find a way to beat that person mentally. She also used to come visit w/ my aunts, and they would do the same ****...in our own home.

They're no longer welcome here
 

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Poor guy! Good ol filipino ladies gossiping. My ex was flip...that $hit can get brutal!!!

My advice, take a stand with your mom. It will need to be firm, and may require distancing yourself for a brief period of time. From what you say, she is at fault and should apologize to both you and your wife.

Until then, I'd employ the cold shoulder with mom...easier said than done I know.
 

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adavis99 said:
Poor guy! Good ol filipino ladies gossiping. My ex was flip...that $hit can get brutal!!!

My advice, take a stand with your mom. It will need to be firm, and may require distancing yourself for a brief period of time. From what you say, she is at fault and should apologize to both you and your wife.

Until then, I'd employ the cold shoulder with mom...easier said than done I know.
I agree with him. I tried talking to my step mom nicely once about something she had said. It went in one ear and out the other................she did nothing wrong. She would not listen until I got a little meaner about it, even then it took a some time of not talking before she "shaped" her a$$ up.

I felt bad for awhile about it, but I wanted MY life at home to stay happy!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
So should I talk to my mom about this first? I plan on giving her the cold shoulder until an apology is issues, but I wonder if having one more talk would do any good........
 

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vipzach said:
I agree with him. I tried talking to my step mom nicely once about something she had said. It went in one ear and out the other................she did nothing wrong. She would not listen until I got a little meaner about it, even then it took a some time of not talking before she "shaped" her a$$ up.

I felt bad for awhile about it, but I wanted MY life at home to stay happy!
As they say - If Momma ain't happy - no one else is allowed to be!" Time to do some serious soul searching and fix the troubles at the roots. Go straight to Momma and pour your heart out. She wil see how much this is troubling you and do everything she can to fix it - that is just what moms do - mothering. It's in the nature of the mom - you just really have to get serious and show your true emotions. Just my 2 cents - it took a similar go around to get my mom and sisters to accept my wife. It did not matter that my wife was a trust fund girl as well as well educated and working for a international bank as a VP. Although she had 10 times the assets that my family had it was an "old money vs new money snobbery" and it was very hard for my wife to break into the inner circle of my family's female elite. My wife always got the attitude that no one was good enough for her boy. I was able to fix that by letting my mom know that with her attitude soon I would have "no one" and all hope of grand kids would leave out the door with my wife if she kept up the attacks on her. Hang in there - it does get better with time! As a matter of fact - when both our mothers died it got allot easier for my wife and I as far as the family dynamics were concerned. Fewer players = fewer points of friction. Too bad my daughter was not born until they had both passed - it is hard to get pregnant in a war zone as my wife would say. Miss both the old girls but life goes on so they say. Good luck dude - let us know how it works out.
 

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Dude .... I know whats up!!! ... I married a into a pinoy family and heres the deal.

Let your dad tell her or even better, her dad! ... cause she is not going to take SH*T from you. Its a culture thing... OH and don't forget mano
 

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Ugh. Not a good situation. One thing you said that I keyed in on was "that's just how my mom is", or words to that effect. If that's the case, do you really think another talk will really change anything? It may make you feel better and with any luck, logic will prevail and your mom and her sisters will see the errors of their ways and stop behaving so badly. In all liklihood though, it won't work and they'll just keep acting the way in which they are used to.

Neither you or your wife have anything to prove to them, so don't bother to try. Just take the high road and ignore their comments, unless they make them in your presence. If they do this, fell free to gently confront them and let them know you don't appreciate that kind of destructive gossip. If they persist, just walk away.

I wouldn't recommend cutting them out of your life as that's not the answer unless their behavior becomes cruel. Right now it just sounds like petty gossip that may be getting a little out of hand. Once they see that neither you or your wife are being drawn into their game and have no intention of trying to prove yourselves to them, they'll scurry off and find another target for their childish games.

Regards,

John
 

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Discussion Starter #12
John Harden said:
Ugh. Not a good situation. One thing you said that I keyed in on was "that's just how my mom is", or words to that effect. If that's the case, do you really think another talk will really change anything? It may make you feel better and with any luck, logic will prevail and your mom and her sisters will see the errors of their ways and stop behaving so badly. In all liklihood though, it won't work and they'll just keep acting the way in which they are used to.

Neither you or your wife have anything to prove to them, so don't bother to try. Just take the high road and ignore their comments, unless they make them in your presence. If they do this, fell free to gently confront them and let them know you don't appreciate that kind of destructive gossip. If they persist, just walk away.

I wouldn't recommend cutting them out of your life as that's not the answer unless their behavior becomes cruel. Right now it just sounds like petty gossip that may be getting a little out of hand. Once they see that neither you or your wife are being drawn into their game and have no intention of trying to prove yourselves to them, they'll scurry off and find another target for their childish games.

Regards,

John
While I wouldn't classify their behavior as 'cruel', it DOES cause a lot of pain towards my wife, especially b/c from my first post to now, I just found out that one of my aunts told everyone else her mother 'used to sell herself to support them'. How I found out is b/c the aunt in question is the father of my mother-in-law's godson. Another reason why I'm very upset about this is b/c I have to face my mother in law everyday (we invited her to live w/ us after they relocated for work reasons)....needless to say I feel ashamed b/c of what happened.


But what you said makes perfect sense...i'll leave them be unless they say something in front of us, or in our own home
 

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As John Harden is stating cutting your family out of your life only hurts everyone.

I would take a slightly different tact when you discuss this situation.

Remember your gossiping family members think it is okay to say what they are saying so you would expend a lot of energy trying to convince them otherwise.

There is some set of assumptions that they are making that allows them to think this way.

1. You have to make sure that you and your wife want to improve this relationship because what I propose will not be easy. The problem has grown and so it will take a great deal of energy to manage it.

If you don't want to do so, then make that clear to your parents/gossipers.

2. If you decide to deal with this situation through conversation, then I suggest asking your Mom if she would be willing to meet with you and your wife to discuss her concerns/issues.

A. In that discussion, ask if she would commit to stopping the gossiping. If she does not, ask how she thinks you and your wife would feel about this situation and if she can see that it would potentially split up your family because you and your wife would no longer feel welcomed.

B. Ask your mom how she arrived at the conclusion that your wife was a gold-digger et al? Is she willing to hear another side of the story?

3. Then ask her to help do damage control with other family members by asking her to tell them what was discussed. Offer up the idea of bringing the family together to discuss the situation, to have you mom go individually but commit to a timeline to end this situation.

4. Ask both your mom and your wife what you all can do to be a better family after this event. You want to prevent a repeat occurrence.

If you're going to commit to a discussion, you have to minimize arguing/yelling.

If people get hot, take a break.

If they can't express their thoughts, paraphrase what you hear being said to see if that captures it or ask people to write it down.

I do mediations and so this is the strategy I recommend because it gets proven results. I've done it for families, companies, and for employee relations.

I always believe a direct, open conversation is the only way to solve a problem. Yelling feels good at the moment, avoiding someone is a temporary strategy but both still result in your having to spend time trying to resolve the problem at a later date...

Good luck.
 

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Kronos1965 said:
As John Harden is stating cutting your family out of your life only hurts everyone.

I would take a slightly different tact when you discuss this situation.

Remember your gossiping family members think it is okay to say what they are saying so you would expend a lot of energy trying to convince them otherwise.

There is some set of assumptions that they are making that allows them to think this way.

1. You have to make sure that you and your wife want to improve this relationship because what I propose will not be easy. The problem has grown and so it will take a great deal of energy to manage it.

If you don't want to do so, then make that clear to your parents/gossipers.

2. If you decide to deal with this situation through conversation, then I suggest asking your Mom if she would be willing to meet with you and your wife to discuss her concerns/issues.

A. In that discussion, ask if she would commit to stopping the gossiping. If she does not, ask how she thinks you and your wife would feel about this situation and if she can see that it would potentially split up your family because you and your wife would no longer feel welcomed.

B. Ask your mom how she arrived at the conclusion that your wife was a gold-digger et al? Is she willing to hear another side of the story?

3. Then ask her to help do damage control with other family members by asking her to tell them what was discussed. Offer up the idea of bringing the family together to discuss the situation, to have you mom go individually but commit to a timeline to end this situation.

4. Ask both your mom and your wife what you all can do to be a better family after this event. You want to prevent a repeat occurrence.

If you're going to commit to a discussion, you have to minimize arguing/yelling.

If people get hot, take a break.

If they can't express their thoughts, paraphrase what you hear being said to see if that captures it or ask people to write it down.

I do mediations and so this is the strategy I recommend because it gets proven results. I've done it for families, companies, and for employee relations.

I always believe a direct, open conversation is the only way to solve a problem. Yelling feels good at the moment, avoiding someone is a temporary strategy but both still result in your having to spend time trying to resolve the problem at a later date...

Good luck.
Good advice...but... I don't know if Mom et al will openly discuss the $hit she's been talking about his wife.... with his wife... good luck on that. As I know it..gossip is all about talking behind someones back.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
kronos,
good advice, which would work, if my mother would at least listen to what i say. More often than not, our discussions are ineffective. Instead of listening to what ihave to say, she focuses more on WHAT she did, HOW she did whatever it was, and (in this case) WHERE i heard whatever i heard.

How she came to the conclusion that my wife was a gold digger...your reason is as good as mine. In other words, there is nothing to come to that conclusion
 

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My cousin John Married a Philipine girl and I was in the wedding party along with 5 other cousins. Her family was totaly against the wedding because our family was Italian and they are filipino. I am gonna make this short so you don't get bored. At the reception we had an all out brawl in the parking lot with her male cousins. Then in the hall the filipino elders were giving there speeches to the bride and groom, Pretty much threatening my cousin John. One of the speeches that sticks in my head was from her uncle " If you ever hurt my neice in anyway, even if you are a Navy SEAL I will Find you and kill you, This was in front of everyone with a Microphone, the uncle laughed at the end of the speech, but he meant it. My cousin John is a Navy SEAL So he called all his Buddies and they all came down the ones that weren't at the Reception. Needless to say it was World War III. there was alot of other sh!t going on but you get the jist. That filipino family was crazy. all of them man woman and child. That was about five years ago now everyone gets along and all is well. So with that, Tell your wife and yourself that it will get better they just have to accept her and they eventually will. After the smoke clears. Hang in there. and Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter #17
James Con said:
My cousin John Married a Philipine girl and I was in the wedding party along with 5 other cousins. Her family was totaly against the wedding because our family was Italian and they are filipino. I am gonna make this short so you don't get bored. At the reception we had an all out brawl in the parking lot with her male cousins. Then in the hall the filipino elders were giving there speeches to the bride and groom, Pretty much threatening my cousin John. One of the speeches that sticks in my head was from her uncle " If you ever hurt my neice in anyway, even if you are a Navy SEAL I will Find you and kill you, This was in front of everyone with a Microphone, the uncle laughed at the end of the speech, but he meant it. My cousin John is a Navy SEAL So he called all his Buddies and they all came down the ones that weren't at the Reception. Needless to say it was World War III. there was alot of other sh!t going on but you get the jist. That filipino family was crazy. all of them man woman and child. That was about five years ago now everyone gets along and all is well. So with that, Tell your wife and yourself that it will get better they just have to accept her and they eventually will. After the smoke clears. Hang in there. and Good luck
Good Lord, thats nuts!

But thanks for the story...hopefully it'll happen sooner than later
 

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why do you have to do anything at all? because your mom is talking smack? who cares...I mean really?

She's probably pissed that you were living in her house for one. Get your own place dude, the drama ain't as bad in your own pad.

you're gonna get kicked out and not finish that RN school thing if you start talking back to your mama. When you're grown you become "friends" with your parents if you want to, not if you don't. They're still your parents so you have to respect them and see them every once in a while.

Cut the cord, take a risk...get your own place.
 

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i do have the same situation, with lots of family drama. what we did we stayed away from them. my relatives all live in hawaii, and i live in san diego. now can't hear, see, speak no evil.
 

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i<3mytitan said:
kronos,
good advice, which would work, if my mother would at least listen to what i say. More often than not, our discussions are ineffective. Instead of listening to what ihave to say, she focuses more on WHAT she did, HOW she did whatever it was, and (in this case) WHERE i heard whatever i heard.

How she came to the conclusion that my wife was a gold digger...your reason is as good as mine. In other words, there is nothing to come to that conclusion
Put your concerns in writing and or ask her to do the same...

"Mom,

At this time my wife and I are considering severing all ties with the family. It is not an easy decision to make but given what has been said about my wife, I do not know what other option exists.

1. Family members gossip about my wife and I.
2. No one will come forth and talk with us about their concerns.
3. No one is inviting us to explain how we see our lives.

It hurts us both to be in this situation and we see no end in sight. This stress is not healthy and not something I want to be a part of in any family.

I had hoped that you would consider discussing this situation with my wife and I directly, to hear your concerns, for you to hear ours, and for us to come to an agreement about how we can move forward as a caring family.

If you do not wish to discuss this situation, then I do ask for the following:

Since this situation started because you felt you needed to contact other family members about my wife and I, I am asking for either you to tell them what I have written to you or that you give me your blessing to do so.

Please let me know of your decision."

Again, talking with the root of your problem will cause the other family members to fall in line.
 
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